"First Word" #4
Puppets, cows, and being a diner dwelling luddite.
Happy nearly the end. Here are a few a ledes for you to read on your last days in the office or on your flight home to see your family.
A “fiber glut” might sound like a phrase uttered by a wellness influencer extolling the virtues of ancient grains.
What If Tech Execs Don’t Really Need All These Data Centers? // Kate Aronoff // The New Republic
A HALF-NUDE, THREE-FOOT FIGURE called me to a table just beside the vending machines. His T-shirt and shoes were miniature; his legs — kielbasa-shaped, cotton-stuffed — were fixed to a flat pubis. “I’m Dicky!” he squeaked.
Planet Puppet // Mina Tavakoli // n+1
In 1962, President John F. Kennedy said, “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.”
Murder By Spreadsheet // David Sirota // The Lever (newsletter)
“Very timely” submission from Shenal.
A full-page ad in a November 1990 issue of Fortune magazine features two dozen men in dark suits turned away from the viewer.
On the Grid: How Surveillance Became a Love Language // Zoë Hitzig // The Drift
(Said with love) if I was teaching a class on surveillance capitalism this would be in the introduction. There was similar piece out with the New Republic a year ago. I think there’s still more to dig into on this topic especially around how tech affects intimacy. Any further reading here?
In an episode from an early season of the Simpsons, Moe — Springfield’s lone bartender — is about to toss his jar of pickled eggs into the trash. Homer is aghast: “Moe, don’t throw out that brine!” he cries before guzzling down the jar. As anyone who’s ordered a martini in New York lately can tell you, we’re all Homer now.
Beyond Filthy: Why our martinis keep getting dirtier // Robert Simonson // Grub Street
It was livestock check-in day at the Winneshiek County Fair, and the dairy barn was consumed with a kind of pre-prom anxiety. A cow named Daiquiri was lumbering back from the milking parlor, adjusting to a new schedule that would have her “mammary system” bulging for showtime. Kennedy was getting a fresh shave, tufts of udder-fuzz drifting to the floor, revealing her resplendent venation. Baby Jesus was extruding shapely, hay-filled turds, each one caught by an eagle-eyed 14-year-old with a bucket, so the heifer wouldn’t sully her own hindquarters.
Despite bird flu anxiety in the dairy barn, a yearly tradition carries on at an Iowa county fair // Eric Boodman // StatNews
A not very timely submission from Charlie but fantastic nonetheless. Reminds me that Trump is planning an Iowa State Fair mega-event for 2025…see you there?
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
Goated.
In Other News…
As one oomf pointed out the news of Brian Alvarez being accused of sexual assault comes on the same day as the news that Mikey Madison opted not to use an intimacy coordinator on set for “Anora.” Horrible vibes. As someone else on X put it, however, nothing good comes from improv troupe drama: “it’s always like if The Secret History played out in a UCB basement.”
Nick Jonas appears to be coming out as a Trump supporter—if not, worse, a Tesla owner and Elon fanboy. “Take us to the Year 3000.”
Tucker Carlson launched a Zyn alternative at his Christmas party, bringing the term Zynternet to whole new level.
Congrats to the Love Is Blind employees who are now legally deemed workers. Would love to see a union drive play out on reality TV. “Wanna have a one on one?”
One swap I’m mad about: the MTA is getting rid of the orange seats. I hate it here.
I’m going to learn how to fly a drone in a few months…is it bad or perfect timing for that?
More from me…
I’ve locked down my phone with a more serious screen time blocker “Opal” thanks to rec from a friend. My bf just switched to a dumb phone. If I did do an “ins and outs” for 2025, throwing your phone into a lake is definitely IN. I’m curious what works for others? Does your phone have a place it lives in your home?
I also haven’t been listening to very much music (sorry) and ditched Spotify for mostly live radio streams. I like KPISS and Columbia U’s radio.
One final swap idea, let’s consider diner meetings > coffeeshop meetings. People need to eat and have space to spread—a cheddar scallion scone can’t compete with a breakfast platter.
Speaking of food, I think one of the best and most harmless Christmas gifts for friend/acquaintance/person-who-is-cat-sitting-for-you is a restaurant gift card or stocking stuffers from a goodie store like Mercado Central. Also don’t forget to bring your parents some bagels or a black-and-white cookie. It’s a nice thing to do.
Lastly, with my new found time, here’s three novels I sped read this month as the days get shorter: “Rejection” by Tony Tulathimutte, “Cowboy Graves” by Roberto Bolaño, and “The Ash Family” by Molly Dektar. I’m celebrating the holidays with one of these people—your guess.
Have safe travels and stay cozy. As always PLEASE send me submissions of good first sentences that you see.
-PG