"First Word" #5 EOY

A round-up of friends best first sentences to celebrate 2024 + a NYT copycat?

Happy New Year! I’m listening to Juan Waters La Onda de Juan Pablo and just enjoyed my homemade stew leftovers from last year. There’s so much to honor from this year but in “First Word” fashion, we’ll do so by picking the best first sentences from some of my friends/acquaintances/friends of friends.

Join me in celebrating some talented young writers and stay for the Times tea at the end of the newsletter.

I am walking around Hell’s Kitchen like a French Marxist.

Jael // Winter of the Mind // NYRA

and similarly…

The algorithm has our attention. It befuddles and bewilders, surprises and preoccupies, sucking us in like a vacuum, and spitting us out like a blowhole.

Alana // The Phone, the Girl, the Computer // NYRA

For those of us who would be described in HR packets at progressive workplaces as “gender nonconforming” or “of non-normative gender presentation,” it can sometimes be really hard to get a haircut.

Sophie // Hero of 2024: Ruthie, My Barber // Mother Jones

Since he was a teenager, Evan Minsker has known that he wanted to be a music writer. For the West Virginia native who came of age listening to Sufjan Stevens, The Go! Team, and Art Brut in the early aughts, there was one obvious place he hoped to end up.

Eloise // Where Are the Victims of 2024’s Q1 Media Bloodbath? // StudyHall

When I saw a mouse run across the floor I knew exactly who to call.

In under an hour, seven hundred and fifty soldiers from the National Guard were at my door with glue traps and sealant. They even left a rear guard to keep an eye on the traps.

Charlie // I Can’t Stop Calling the National Guard // The New Yorker

On a January night at Skid Row in Los Angeles, an employee from Urban Alchemy was filmed hosing down a sidewalk just feet from a homeless resident.

Rohan (and Paige) // How an Investigation Into a Homelessness Nonprofit Turned Into a LA Power Struggle // The Nation

BERLIN — My toenail ripped five miles ago and the pain is overwhelming. The looming dark skies make good on their threat as rain begins to sprinkle. The wind picks up. My heart quickens. I am in the middle of every rollerblader’s nightmare. All around, skaters skid and slow for fear of falling or colliding.

Emily // The View From The Way, Way Back Of The Berlin Inline Skating Marathon // Defector

We all thought Trump would walk out to “Enter Sandman.”

Gaby // Lost at CPAC // The Baffler

It is with the late Mary Oliver that I conduct the act of bibliomancy with friends. Communally, a question is asked that answers are sought. A book of her poetry is opened to a random page as index fingers guide those looking for a response.

Isa // Of what surrounds me at The Patricia and Phillip Frost Art Museum // Burnaway

It was just after midnight when the support boat’s rack of lights cut out, leaving Gary Kristensen in near-darkness as he paddled down the Columbia River in a roughly thousand-pound hollowed-out pumpkin.

Henry // 46 miles on the Columbia River in a giant pumpkin lands Oregon paddler a world record // The Columbian

Northeastern University had around 100 peaceful protesters arrested on Saturday at its Boston campus’ pro-Palestine encampment, claiming that there had been reports of protesters using antisemitic slurs; but according to witnesses, the protester who spewed hate speech was a pro-Israel counter protester.

Edie // Pro-Israel Agitator Shouts ‘Kill the Jews,’ Gets Everyone Else Arrested // The Daily Beast

Bonus points for headline of the year…and similarly…

I keep having this problem when I go somewhere to interview sources and by the time I get there, they’ve been arrested.

Lex // Campus Protests: Police Clashes at Columbia University and UCLA Prove They Don’t Belong There // Teen Vogue

Good news for people who like massive floods of funny money sluicing around in our politics.

Paige // The Crypto Bros Are Taking Over Politics // The New Republic

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As a reminder I ripped this format slightly from the genius Ingrid Burrington who writes the newsletter “Perfect Sentences,” with the point of difference being I’d focus on the lede. However, someone else seems to be reading Burrington’s project and perhaps this Substack as well (jk jk unless): a columnist at the Times put out the “best sentences of 2024” this week. [Clarifying again that I’m joking here, the writer also did this project in 2023.]

Obviously there’s nothing novel about picking out favorite lines of writing, cavemen probably did it, however, I do have an issue when most of the sentences chosen are legit rotten. The first journalist highlighted is Sam Harris (boo!) who writes on Biden’s campaign: “They are not merely courting disaster now — they are having tantric sex with it.” What? Another reads “When will America be ready to wade into the deep end of diversity without kickboards and floaties?” or “Trump is an industrial plant pumping sewage into a river; Mike Johnson is downstream with a kitchen strainer.”

It appears that the a good chunk of the curators favorite sentences are just mad libs about politics. [POLITICAL ISSUE] is like [SIMILE WHICH IS DIFFICULT OR UNPLEASANT TO VISUALIZE]. I’m truly not trying to be a hater—I’m sure there’s some gems in the list but I promise, and I hope this EOY list shows, that my friends are printing some better lines.

As always send me your fav lines to include in next week’s issue.

Best,
PG